Taking part in the virtual Choir was much harder than I expected!
As someone who has not received any formal music training, I always depended on the more experienced members in my section to get the right tune and would just follow along during Mass. Now that I was on my own, I had to listen to the sample recording lots of times before I could sing it through confidently – and when I actually started to record myself singing, I made many mistakes and it was nearly impossible to get the ‘perfect’ piece. I started getting frustrated with myself and wanted to give up after many failed recording sessions.
There was also a life backdrop to this frustration. I am a fresh graduate and had applied for a job I really wanted back in August 2019. However, the organization kept postponing their answer which made me very anxious. I was constantly questioning if I should wait for this job or keep applying for other things just in case. Worst of all, they had been due to update me a few days ago but I still had not received anything yet. This was heartbreaking because I felt like I had been doing lots of things for God in the meantime – staying active in my ministry, attending the online Masses, trying my best to be a good son and brother in the house, and spending time to listen to the various Catholic talks which were made available during the Circuit Breaker period.
It felt like God was holding out on me and making me wait indefinitely, and all my efforts to love Him were not getting ‘paid back’ in an earthly sense. I especially remember struggling to sing a line from the song which goes ‘give me faith for what I cannot see’, because I was singing something I did not feel.
An hour before the deadline, I was on my umpteenth recording and ready to throw in the towel. I got angry with Jesus and told Him I was just going to submit a subpar piece because I was tired and didn’t care anymore, there were much better singers in the Choir, and why did I have to do anything for Him anyway when He refused to help me in the way I thought I needed?
At that point, I heard Him telling me that He didn’t want a perfect recording, but He did want me to try my best and more importantly to sing it with love rather than frustration and resentment.
I decided to take a break, then came back and did two more recordings before submitting the last one. Although there were still many points where I went off-key and did not hit the right notes, I was at peace with the fact that I had tried my best and that Jesus recognized my effort.
It is now a month after the recording and the organization has informed me that my application is still being processed due to Covid-19. However, the Father has been generous and provided me a part-time job in the industry which allows me to earn some income and experience while waiting. I realize that I have also been given a chance to reflect more on whether that job in particular is what I really want. Most importantly, I am more at peace with the waiting because I realize that not having a job does not mean I am waiting for life to start – it has already begun and Jesus appreciates my everyday effort to love Him in the small things. Give me faith for what I cannot see!
-Brendan Hoe, member of Lumen Christi Choir